She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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