Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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