Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
