So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize