yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
