Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
