i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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