I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
