i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
