Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
