Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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