After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
