i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
