this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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