Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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