3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
