I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
