Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
