the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
