Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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