did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
