I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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