I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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