The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm always down for nudity.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
