ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
