did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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