that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
