Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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