We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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