my phone needs a breathalizer
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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