ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
