dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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