All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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