i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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