I wish life had little blips of pornography
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
