I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
