I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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