Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
