well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
