You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Operation Purity has been aborted
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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