All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
