I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
