False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
