Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
