i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
