Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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