On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
