Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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