i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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