In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
