Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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