do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
