I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
