i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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