I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
