I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
